I'm still recovering from last nite's meet-up with my Music Ministry leaders. Where do I begin? Where I felt misunderstood? Where I felt defended? Where I felt I was able to air my opinions? Where I felt I was judged?
Before I go down this road of sharing what happened and how I feel about it, I want to say that the leaders in the New Creation Church Music Ministry are some of the most loving, caring, patient and well meaning people I have come across in all my years in Christian circles. Indeed the message of Grace has impacted these lives and has built a ministry that is excellent but loving. Really.
The meeting was scheduled for 7.15pm at the Rock Auditorium but only got underway at 7.30pm. The two leaders I was told I would meet were there, and to my surprise my worship pastor decided to join in.
After some preliminary smalltalk, the session began. My Choir Leader said she felt that she had already dealt with the technical aspects of my singing and that was closed. But she had heard from another leader whom I have been close contact with that I was affected by the auditon and was thinking of whether I was going to leave the ministry.
I told her that was true. I had not made up my mind yet, but I had felt that if I could not contribute meaningfully to the ministry, then maybe it was time for me to go. I shared that either I was a 'has been' or the ministry had moved to a style that was different from what I had to offer. I mean if I didn't sing in the Choir anymore, it would not make any difference from a vocal point of view. It may make a difference because I would no longer be in as much contact with the friends I had made in the choir.
My Choir Leader said she had felt that I was too sensitive and that was just the way I was made. My pastor quipped to my Choir Leader, 'Why? You talking from experience is it?' That surprised me. Here was a man that was willing not to tow the party line after all. Not bad.
My Choir Leader said that she felt insulted (the way it was said was not at all vindictive so please don't read too much into this) that I thought she was being nice to me when she said I could sing well. I told her that I was actually complimenting her and that I thought she was reaching out to me. Laughter all around. Great. Now that got defused well enough.
My Choir Leader then mentioned that this would also cause me to check my motivations for joining the ministry.
I thought that went abit too far.
I assured everyone in the room that I was content to be singing in the choir and that I had made no attempt at all to draw any attention to myself. I was happy to be 'just one of the guys' and 'in the shadows' I said.
In fact I had not pulled any strings or made any hints to get an audition. But now that this had happened and turned out the way it did, it was embarrassing and painful. This had nothing to do with joining the ministry to be seen. I said I joined the ministry because I felt the call of God on my life and I knew how the anointing felt. The messages I had preached in YAM 10 years ago were still as fresh in my heart today as then. I missed flowing in the anointing, including leading worship.
I wondered out loud why this had happened. It was as if I was singled out for a painful experience.
Pastor shared about how sometimes painful situations can turn around for good. He recounted how his mum got saved when His dad was in ICU. He also shared that this audition was after all for the back-up team (there are some there he said that had also been rejected previously but were re-selected later)and not about worship leading.(You mean there's hope? I thought. Haha).
Then he said something that touched me.
At the end of the day, the audition was man's report and not God's report. Whose report did I believe?
I thought I registered shocked looks from the other two leaders in the room. That surprised me. Here was a man that was willing not to tow the party line after all. Not bad at all.
I assured everyone in the room that I had great respect for the leaders in the ministry (and I do) and that I would submit to them (and I will). I shared that last time I left the music ministry because I was idealistic and young, but that I did not want to do that again. I told Pastor that in fact, I had not even contacted Jack and told him what I was going through. I did not want there to be any hint of human manupalation on my part.
Pastor shared that this may be a time where it may lead me to cast off the weight and sin that so easily besets us to run the race set before me to fix my eyes on Jesus.
Now this is the part I don't really agree with. I mean what weight is he talking about? There's no weight here. It's just shame and humiliation that I feel! I have been fixing my eyes on the Lord. How does anyone think I've managed to maintain an even keel though all this?
Pastor and the Choir Leader mentioned Moses (he came to a point of brokeness that he could even speak properly. . .I guess this is what they meant) and how David went back to being a shepherd boy even after being anointed. And that David did whatever his father asked him to do.
Pastor said that there was great favor on my life (I wonder what that's all about?) but that it would increase if I submitted.
I told everyone that I would not do anything rash. The reason that I was here was to listen to the collective wisdom of the leaders and that I would tread carefully and not just leave. God had spoken to me in the course of this incident about being like David. So this may very well be what he meant -- to just do whatever my hands find to do in God's house.
So that was the end of the session. This is how I feel now.
I guess at the end of the day I'm earnest to see this through so that I can experience God's will in it's entirety.
The sadness I feel in all of this is that I feel my leaders think I have a motivation problem. That I've come back to the ministry with an agenda for some self seeking attention.
I'm just feeling embarrassed that I've been rejected and found wanting vocally. It's that simple. Nothing more nothing less. Is that so difficult to understand?
It was an audition I never asked for. I was singled out and rejected. Now it seems to be the same for this 'debrief' that I also did not want (and come to think of it. . .predicted correctly what they would say hahaha) and now have to deal with all these feelings of being misunderstood.
They said that I would have to learn to just doing what my hands find to do and be about the Father's business. Well actually that's what I've already been doing before this incident. They said that I would have ot learn to submit. That's what I already have been doing before(and now after) this incident.
I mean to be honest, does it mean that what I need to be a better man is a healthy dose of humiliation and broken self-esteem? It does seem rather cruel if that's the truth.
So after all is said and done. I still don't know what this is all about. The only thing I've gained through all this is seeing people love me even when they think I have a character flaw! This is so weird that I really don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Again don't get me wrong. I really do believe that all the leaders in that session really do love me!
I don't know. I'm not going to do anything rash, but the more I think about this, the more I think maybe it would be better to leave.
Perhaps I should really do a slow gradual retreat. Being in the Choir is not a crutch to me. I'm actually quite happy not being in the ministry. Especially with all this stuff happening.
Sometimes I feel the alternative of just singing to Jesus in the bathroom and in the congregation and blessing my friends with my blog is what I should do.
I will continue singing my spontaneous songs only to me and be glad that 10 years ago, I had a chance to bless people with the gift of leading worship in my life. I'm happy that I got the chance to do back-up for Phil Driscoll, Geoff Bullock and even Bob Fitts. I'm happy that I got a chance to lead worship for the New Creation Church mid-week services where Pastor Prince told me he appreciated the anointing in my life and where he gave me a word that I was called and that I should not let the fear of man stop me, not even my senior pastor.
But that was 10 years ago. It looks like now it's really all over.
Wah lau. Sounds pathetic right? Well it's not the end of the world. Jesus still loves me. Maybe I should move on. Maybe I should have done that a week ago.
I don't know. But I do know that Jesus is still here with me. And He will guide me though all this.
And if you're wondering what the title of this blog is all about, go and read the first blog entry in Alive and Writing.
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