I was told by a friend right after my audition that there was actually an anatomy to the whole cycle getting rejected and feeling depressed. 'You'll feel much worse tomorrow', she assured me happily, 'then by next week you'll be numb to it all.'
Well she was right.
Almost.
It did indeed become worse the day after. The shock of getting rejected at the audition wore steadily off -- like some kind of protective anasthetic. Then the shame and corresponding anger kicked-in. And it continued to rise in intensity and frequency, as wave after wave of emotion swept over me intermittently throughout the day, for the next few days.
And Murphy's Law also suddenly decided to show up unannounced -- things became tense at the office. It was like adding kerosine to the fire of my angst and shame. I became a complete ogre!
Today, at the end of the week, I've suddenly felt all the anger melt away. But inexplicably, I don't feel numb. What I'm feeling right now as I write these words is something quite different.
I feel comfort.
No, I have not taken any illegal substances. No, it's not an alcohol induced sense of peace. OK, I will admit to having some cups of java, but that's all.
What I'm feeling in my heart is actually the loving prescence of my God.
These kind of moments in my life (and there have been many) -- when life throws me a left hook and is going for the knock-out punch -- always strips away from me every semblence of what I want the world to see when they look at me: all the pretense, all the religiosity, all the fake churchianity and hypocrisy -- with the fake halelujahs and model answers.
When my soul shatters and I become unabashedly frustrated with God, with myself and with my life, and I no longer have the ability of maintaining that veneer of 'Eugene the Christian', I find that there is indeed a living Prescence in my heart.
He is not some mantra that I have to chant. He is not some confession I have to keep mumbling.
His Prescence in my heart does not depend on me having to maintain it.
That's because. . . He is real.
And it is that Prescence -- the prescense of the Holy Spirit -- that causes my heart to be tempted once more to hope again. So what can I do? Being angry right now actually takes some effort to maintain! No kidding. It's weird. . .but wonderful. It's that same feeling I had all those years ago when I first accepted Him. A loving, comforting, constant, assuring prescence.
And He won't leave me. Thank God for that.
So what can I do? I resign myself to this my fate.
I am rediscovering all over again, that I am but a prisoner.
A prisoner of hope.
Friday, July 31, 2009
I'm 3 Ply, Cheap and Re-usable
I'm actually feeling an affinity to the ubiquitous toilet roll: they're cheap, dispensable but awfully missed only when there's shit to clean-up. After each wipe, they're discarded.
I'm so glad to be useful. And I'm re-usable!
I'm beginning to realize that it's a falacy to think that if you deliver beyond what is expected of you, you'll eventually be paid what you deliver. The reality is that your boss would most probably sit back and thank his lucky stars that he's got someone stupid enough to give so much without any extra renumeration. You'll be like the top producer in the Chairman Mao Insurance Agency.
I've been putting in my heart and soul into the projects that have been assigned to me for the last few years under my new boss. But I'm beggining to realize that my value to him is that I've been able to deliver wonders at very very low cost. And when I'm not there to deliver (often demanded at a moments notice), I incur his displeasure. I've also realized that I have not been getting any promotions for all the things I have been doing.
I think my CEO would faint if he knew that I was holding such a junior grade. It's really a crying shame that they would place an E4 (I'm not even a Manager) on the same stage as Presidents and Directors of MNCs like Sun Microsystems and Singtel. I mean if I can do the job, why am I not getting the pay?
And to think that today I was faulted for coming late daily. I was just thinking, what are you going to do? Not promote me? But that's what's been happening already. So if I go along with that logic, then all the on-target, on-time deliverables that included umpteen last minute presentations to the local press, to the MDA, at CES in LAS Vegas, to the EDB, and brochure, poster and PR content, is not enough to justify a promotion. . .all because I come to work late. What a croc-load of pure unadulterated bull.
I think it's time I began to work according to what I'm actually paid. I also think It's time for a transfer.
I'm so glad to be useful. And I'm re-usable!
I'm beginning to realize that it's a falacy to think that if you deliver beyond what is expected of you, you'll eventually be paid what you deliver. The reality is that your boss would most probably sit back and thank his lucky stars that he's got someone stupid enough to give so much without any extra renumeration. You'll be like the top producer in the Chairman Mao Insurance Agency.
I've been putting in my heart and soul into the projects that have been assigned to me for the last few years under my new boss. But I'm beggining to realize that my value to him is that I've been able to deliver wonders at very very low cost. And when I'm not there to deliver (often demanded at a moments notice), I incur his displeasure. I've also realized that I have not been getting any promotions for all the things I have been doing.
I think my CEO would faint if he knew that I was holding such a junior grade. It's really a crying shame that they would place an E4 (I'm not even a Manager) on the same stage as Presidents and Directors of MNCs like Sun Microsystems and Singtel. I mean if I can do the job, why am I not getting the pay?
And to think that today I was faulted for coming late daily. I was just thinking, what are you going to do? Not promote me? But that's what's been happening already. So if I go along with that logic, then all the on-target, on-time deliverables that included umpteen last minute presentations to the local press, to the MDA, at CES in LAS Vegas, to the EDB, and brochure, poster and PR content, is not enough to justify a promotion. . .all because I come to work late. What a croc-load of pure unadulterated bull.
I think it's time I began to work according to what I'm actually paid. I also think It's time for a transfer.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I see Dead Hamsters
I was actually asked to audition as a back-up vocalist a few weeks ago.
After the first audition, I was told that I faired OK on my vocal delivery: blending, pitching and projection, as well as visual presentation (Eugene, you remind us of Deacon Jeff). But I crashed out on singing 'with a groove'. I was told to learn how to learn a song and re-audition. I was then given a song list that included 2 really grungy praise songs and one worship song with a gazillion dynamics! Round two absolutely crashed out! And to think I struggled the entire 2 weeks working on the songs!
So the question here is this. If God knew this was going to happen to me why did He arrange for this to happen to me? I mean I didn't do ANYTHING to get this to happen. . .no hinting. . .no jockeying for an audition. It was like I was singled out for a humiliating experience! I was quite happy to be singing in the choir with my dreams of leading worship.
I mean if God knew I couldn't cut the grade, why set me up for an audition? And the songs and the way I was asked to approach them really brought out the worst in me. My flow is more like Kent Henry. Where there's spontaneous worship and a flow of worship -- even with the song set proper. But then again, no one buys Kent Henry's CDs anymore. Everyone's into Hillsong United, especially the worship team at NCC. Maybe Ade's right. The Team has moved on. I think that I'm just a relic of the past.
I'm not sure if I have the fortitude to live with the embarassment of going back to the Choir. I mean Jack had to tell everyone during the Choir orientation that 'Eugene was a worship leader'. I'm not sure if I can stomach the 'Eugene, God's dealing with your motivation now. . .what is of wood will be burnt' pep talk I'm sure I'm going to get this Wednesday.
In other words God woke up one morning and decided, hey Eugene's doing OK there. Let's put him in a humiliating situation and see if he can still smile and live with it. In other words Eugene joined the ministry with the wrong motivation. I think I feel them old walking blues again. Maybe it's time to bury this dead gift and move on. Dosen't sound theologically correct. But then neither does a God who sets His child up for humiliation to see if he can take it.
I don't know why, but this whole incident reminds me of when I helped my colleague bury her dead hamster in front of the shed at my office. My dream is just dead and buried. I need to move on.
After the first audition, I was told that I faired OK on my vocal delivery: blending, pitching and projection, as well as visual presentation (Eugene, you remind us of Deacon Jeff). But I crashed out on singing 'with a groove'. I was told to learn how to learn a song and re-audition. I was then given a song list that included 2 really grungy praise songs and one worship song with a gazillion dynamics! Round two absolutely crashed out! And to think I struggled the entire 2 weeks working on the songs!
So the question here is this. If God knew this was going to happen to me why did He arrange for this to happen to me? I mean I didn't do ANYTHING to get this to happen. . .no hinting. . .no jockeying for an audition. It was like I was singled out for a humiliating experience! I was quite happy to be singing in the choir with my dreams of leading worship.
I mean if God knew I couldn't cut the grade, why set me up for an audition? And the songs and the way I was asked to approach them really brought out the worst in me. My flow is more like Kent Henry. Where there's spontaneous worship and a flow of worship -- even with the song set proper. But then again, no one buys Kent Henry's CDs anymore. Everyone's into Hillsong United, especially the worship team at NCC. Maybe Ade's right. The Team has moved on. I think that I'm just a relic of the past.
I'm not sure if I have the fortitude to live with the embarassment of going back to the Choir. I mean Jack had to tell everyone during the Choir orientation that 'Eugene was a worship leader'. I'm not sure if I can stomach the 'Eugene, God's dealing with your motivation now. . .what is of wood will be burnt' pep talk I'm sure I'm going to get this Wednesday.
In other words God woke up one morning and decided, hey Eugene's doing OK there. Let's put him in a humiliating situation and see if he can still smile and live with it. In other words Eugene joined the ministry with the wrong motivation. I think I feel them old walking blues again. Maybe it's time to bury this dead gift and move on. Dosen't sound theologically correct. But then neither does a God who sets His child up for humiliation to see if he can take it.
I don't know why, but this whole incident reminds me of when I helped my colleague bury her dead hamster in front of the shed at my office. My dream is just dead and buried. I need to move on.
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