A Prisoner of Hope

I was told by a friend right after my audition that there was actually an anatomy to the whole cycle getting rejected and feeling depressed. 'You'll feel much worse tomorrow', she assured me happily, 'then by next week you'll be numb to it all.'

Well she was right.

Almost.

It did indeed become worse the day after. The shock of getting rejected at the audition wore steadily off -- like some kind of protective anasthetic. Then the shame and corresponding anger kicked-in. And it continued to rise in intensity and frequency, as wave after wave of emotion swept over me intermittently throughout the day, for the next few days.

And Murphy's Law also suddenly decided to show up unannounced -- things became tense at the office. It was like adding kerosine to the fire of my angst and shame. I became a complete ogre!

Today, at the end of the week, I've suddenly felt all the anger melt away. But inexplicably, I don't feel numb. What I'm feeling right now as I write these words is something quite different.

I feel comfort.

No, I have not taken any illegal substances. No, it's not an alcohol induced sense of peace. OK, I will admit to having some cups of java, but that's all.

What I'm feeling in my heart is actually the loving prescence of my God.

These kind of moments in my life (and there have been many) -- when life throws me a left hook and is going for the knock-out punch -- always strips away from me every semblence of what I want the world to see when they look at me: all the pretense, all the religiosity, all the fake churchianity and hypocrisy -- with the fake halelujahs and model answers.

When my soul shatters and I become unabashedly frustrated with God, with myself and with my life, and I no longer have the ability of maintaining that veneer of 'Eugene the Christian', I find that there is indeed a living Prescence in my heart.

He is not some mantra that I have to chant. He is not some confession I have to keep mumbling.

His Prescence in my heart does not depend on me having to maintain it.

That's because. . . He is real.

And it is that Prescence -- the prescense of the Holy Spirit -- that causes my heart to be tempted once more to hope again. So what can I do? Being angry right now actually takes some effort to maintain! No kidding. It's weird. . .but wonderful. It's that same feeling I had all those years ago when I first accepted Him. A loving, comforting, constant, assuring prescence.

And He won't leave me. Thank God for that.

So what can I do? I resign myself to this my fate.

I am rediscovering all over again, that I am but a prisoner.

A prisoner of hope.