I see Dead Hamsters

I was actually asked to audition as a back-up vocalist a few weeks ago.

After the first audition, I was told that I faired OK on my vocal delivery: blending, pitching and projection, as well as visual presentation (Eugene, you remind us of Deacon Jeff). But I crashed out on singing 'with a groove'. I was told to learn how to learn a song and re-audition. I was then given a song list that included 2 really grungy praise songs and one worship song with a gazillion dynamics! Round two absolutely crashed out! And to think I struggled the entire 2 weeks working on the songs!

So the question here is this. If God knew this was going to happen to me why did He arrange for this to happen to me? I mean I didn't do ANYTHING to get this to happen. . .no hinting. . .no jockeying for an audition. It was like I was singled out for a humiliating experience! I was quite happy to be singing in the choir with my dreams of leading worship.

I mean if God knew I couldn't cut the grade, why set me up for an audition? And the songs and the way I was asked to approach them really brought out the worst in me. My flow is more like Kent Henry. Where there's spontaneous worship and a flow of worship -- even with the song set proper. But then again, no one buys Kent Henry's CDs anymore. Everyone's into Hillsong United, especially the worship team at NCC. Maybe Ade's right. The Team has moved on. I think that I'm just a relic of the past.

I'm not sure if I have the fortitude to live with the embarassment of going back to the Choir. I mean Jack had to tell everyone during the Choir orientation that 'Eugene was a worship leader'. I'm not sure if I can stomach the 'Eugene, God's dealing with your motivation now. . .what is of wood will be burnt' pep talk I'm sure I'm going to get this Wednesday.

In other words God woke up one morning and decided, hey Eugene's doing OK there. Let's put him in a humiliating situation and see if he can still smile and live with it. In other words Eugene joined the ministry with the wrong motivation. I think I feel them old walking blues again. Maybe it's time to bury this dead gift and move on. Dosen't sound theologically correct. But then neither does a God who sets His child up for humiliation to see if he can take it.

I don't know why, but this whole incident reminds me of when I helped my colleague bury her dead hamster in front of the shed at my office. My dream is just dead and buried. I need to move on.